What I Hate About Fanboys Part 1

Filed under: by: Jimmy the Greek

I'm going to break this down to 3 parts. Trilogies are in these days, or so I hear, and who am I to try and write one long arduous editorial of meaningless hatred? I've had several requests to put N4G under the chopping block, but I am currently unwilling to bite the hand that feeds. However, N4G is on my list, shit list that is, and will get their day very soon.

You might be able to call this section ammunition, feel free. This is my console history. I had a Sega Master System for 5 months before it broke and my parents decided to get an NES to put a stop to my siblings' and my bitching. I saved my $5 a week allowance to buy the original Gameboy. I later upgraded to the Gameboy Color and Advance but kept both of them individually for less than a year. I refuse to purchase a DS not only because of its poor ergonomic design, but also I'm not a teenage Japanese girl. After the NES I skipped the SNES and went with the Genesis.

By the the time I got my Genesis, my older sisters had discovered the remarkable appendage between men's legs called "the penis" and the Genesis ended up being completely mine. After the Genesis I moved back to Nintendo territory and got the N64. This was a time during my discovery of the almighty vagina and since I'm a nerd,
I thought I could have both... I was wrong... mostly. The 64 was also, in my opinion, the greatest innovation Nintendo offered the console gaming industry with the joystick and rumble pack add-on.

From the 64 I went with the Dreamcast and handhelds aside, the Dreamcast was the first system I paid for. It was ahead of its time but after playing Skies of Arcadia and Jedi Power Battles I had to pawn it so I could eat. Damn my body and it's need for more sustenance other than beer and pot. I recovered
financially a little while later and bought a Gamecube at launch. I enjoyed the time I spent with my Gamecube but I wanted to expand my horizons. I recall the frenzy, stabbings, and hardware issues surrounding the launch of the Playstation 2. On top of that, a friend of mine had a Sony TV and receiver that both crapped out within months of their purchase.

Due to the problems plaguing the PS2 and Sony in general, I went with the Xbox. That motherfucker died within a year. I reverted back to my GC for several months before I replaced my Xbox with a refurbished model. I traded that refurbished model in at the launch of the 360. I'm on my 4th 360 thanks to the RROD and within the last 6 months I've purchased a Wii. I thought "man what a great find." Now it gets the same attention as a bastard step child. My Wii sits in my entertainment center unplayed and unloved acting more as a social symbol than a gaming machine.

I've played the Mario, Legend of Zelda, Halo, Fable, Elder Scrolls, KOTOR, and Grand Theft Auto franchises, among a few others. Most of my time was spent with Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, San Andreas, and IV. I figure I've got over a hundred hours logged in each, that's almost two weeks of my life I'll never get back. I've long since abandoned the Mario and Zelda franchises and most of my friends play Halo and in order to continue playing with them online, I can't graduate to any better FPS.

Let me set the record straight. I am not a fanboy. I spread the hate equally everywhere to not be biased. I hate the Xbox, the Wii, and the PS3. Obviously I own a computer, but I don't play games on it and I don't give a flying shit about handhelds anymore. I find more reasons to despise franchises than to embrace them. As listed above, with a few I keep coming back for more disappointment like an abused spouse hoping that if I could just get pregnant, the franchise would change and stop beating me after a long night of drinking and infidelity.

In the memory of Gold Five I'm going to try to "stay on target." I don't particularly care for one genre or another. RPGs can be fun, so are FPSs, adventure, platform, puzzle, rhythm and music, the likes. I don't really care for sports titles because I don't feel the need to line the pockets of the NFL, MLB, or NBA. If I'm going to support someone's drug addiction, trust me, it's going to be mine. Baseketball comically enforced an opinion I've had for a long time, athletes should be treated like indentured servants.

"Stay on target," that's beside the point, I've displayed my tastes, or lack thereof, so do I really fit the definition of a fanboy? When I say "fuck Mario," someone always says "you're just an Xbox fanboy." Then I follow up with "fuck Master Chief," they continue "you're just a Sony fanboy." "I've never owned a piece of Sony hardware in my life." "You're just a Nintendo fanboy." Never mind I've proclaimed my hatred towards Nintendo on multiple occasions, including the beginning of my argument. Typically when I smell bullshit, I call it. If you learn to recognize bullshit, even from yourself, it will usually stop when you call it... except with fanboys.

I know it's been a tedious read to get to this far but bare with me. Most fanboy bullshit can be summed up by the title of this section: projection. Do you know what projection is? It's not the magic that happens in the booth at a movie theater, but if that's what you guessed you're very close.

It's a psychological term used to refer to the tendency of somebody to cast (project) their shortcomings onto someone else. I'm not calling you, Mr. or Mrs. Reader a fanboy(or fangirl to keep with political correctness), but if you read "fuck Mario" or "fuck Master Chief" or "I'd like to shove my friend's faulty Sony receiver up Howard Stringer's ass" and your blood started to boil, you're a fanboy. Now if you're first response to those statements was "I'm not a fanboy, you're a fanboy," I've got news for you, you are clearly projecting... dick.

That should suffice for now. Stay tuned next week for Part 2 in my weekly "What I Hate About..." series. I'll hate on a few other mannerisms characteristic of your garden variety fanboy. In Part 2 I will also extend to the medium of film and explore language and lifestyle of this common parasite.


On November 20, 2008 at 1:08 PM , Anonymous said...

well yea man.. Your angry because look at the path you chose.. lol.
If you would of simply went to the ColecoVision->NES->(SNES/Genesis)->PS1->PS2->PS3

You'd be like Me Happy as can be. Its all your flirting with Microsoft and Nintendo that has done you in.

On November 20, 2008 at 2:18 PM , Anonymous said...

See what happens when you choose one night stands and quick hookups/flings isntead of a serious, committed relationship?

Now be the man in the relationship, and COMMIT.

On November 20, 2008 at 2:30 PM , Anonymous said...

hahaha LOL funny stuff youre saying

On November 20, 2008 at 9:46 PM , Anonymous said...

your a failure since ur saying u hate the sony console when you've never owned it while it is understandable that u hate all the other ones since you've actually PLAYED them and they let you down...

On November 21, 2008 at 9:15 AM , Jimmy the Greek said...

i hate sony so much that ive completely refused to give them any of my money. learn some grammar