What I Hate About Halo

Filed under: , , , by: Jimmy the Greek

This post has been festering inside me like a microwavable burrito. It was bound to burst out of one of my orifices sooner or later. Let me first qualify my capability to write it. I played Halo, I traded half my Xbox games for Halo 2, I bought Crackdown for the beta, and waited in line for three hours and took a day off work for Halo 3.

The gaming community. I play very few games online. The game I play online the most is Halo 3. It can be a fun alcohol fueled experience. The biggest thing to note about my previous statement is the word "can." I don't remember the last time I had fun the entire time I played online.

If it's not a racist douche, it's a 12 year old screeching with their cracking pubescent voice about how they just got a double kill. I love mothers, do I ever, and I don't mind people snapping off momma jokes, but none of them are original anymore. I love good insults but the vast majority of the people who play this game should be castrated to save the world from the horror of their offspring.

My final complaint about the online community is when it comes to women. Not women playing the game but the majority male reaction to finding a woman playing online. It's like dropping a Cheetos in a room full of hungry rats. They all cling to her, whether it's to belittle or hit on and in the end it's just very pitiful.

Fanboys. A steaming pile of horse shit has at least one person who will look at it and see nothing but gold. They can look past the fact it's shit and see... I don't know, something other than fecal matter. Such is the case with Halo. Who in their right mind would look at the games and concept and see no faults? If you guessed fanboys you'd be correct. The same people who dream of being sodomized by Master Chief, or want to be Spartans when they grow up.

Clearly I like the games otherwise I wouldn't continue to play them, but I am by no means one of its fanboys. I can see so many of the games' faults. Example: if a man can survive falling 500+ miles from space to the earth's surface, I imagine a bullet has to feel like a rain drop. Bungie took a page out of Captain America's book and made Master Chief some kind of super soldier. How is it that he can jump the regulation height of a basketball hoop, but he runs like he's in the Special Olympics?

The campaign. The major draw of Halo is the online play. The campaign lasts 15 hours at most and if not for achievements, isn't worth playing through more than once. It's seems like an unnecessary addition to the game. Specifically in Halo 3, I got so pissed at the constant interruptions from Gravemind and Cortana that I was ready to throw the controller through the TV. In Halo 2 the ending comes out of nowhere and gives the player campaign blue balls. Have you ever heard of a penguin blow job? It's just like each installment in the Halo story. It pulls your pants down to your ankles and starts rubbing you down. Just when you think you're going to get the mouth and some real satisfaction, it steals your billfold and runs away while you're stuck waddling after. Finally, in Halo: Combat Evolved the level designs, though good, were used over and over. I understand you have to battle your way into a complex, but sure as shit you had to run through each one backwards in a salty attempt to lengthen gameplay.

MMORPG like online fervor. Since the meat of the games are multiplayer, I can understand how that is the main draw. What I don't understand is how people can play multiplayer constantly with the only reward being a higher online rank. Are they playing to get the highest rank possible and maybe, as in a snowball's chance in hell maybe, get an MLG contract? I have no idea but, much like with so many other people and things, I don't understand it and therefore do not like it. It doesn't have an RPG element to make the monotonous grind seem like anything more than a waste of time.

Multiplayer map packs, themes, gamer pictures. It has been "perfected" by other games and though technically started on PCs, the microtransaction has thrived on the console since the release of the Halo 2 map packs. I'm not against significant game expansion packs. What I am against is charging for something that adds no real value to a game. Let me elaborate, lets say a new map pack is released for $10 or whatever. In order to play on the new map you have to go to a specific variant. This variant only includes maps from the map packs and not everybody has them, so you're limited by how you can play them and who you're playing them with. On top of that most map packs include a "reimagining" of previous maps that adds little to the overall design other than updated graphics.

Cheaters. I had a crack like addiction to Halo 2 for a time and that ended very abruptly when every other match I played was against a cheater. I'm sure everybody knows what I mean when I say "standby." You're running around the map and all of a sudden you're stuck in the blue screen and shortly after you return, you realize the bomb is planted, flag scored, or all your teammates are dead. No more than a minute later, the exact same thing happens again, and again until the match is over. Who remembers the modded Xboxs? You'd go into a match with a modder and all of a sudden you see somebody jump the height of the map, sprint past you at lightening speed, or fire a BR like its an AK-47.

The modded Xbox problem is mostly taken care of with the 360 but there is still the problem with standby. It's seems Walmart is selling internet connections these days. When you go into a match with someone who has a Walmart brand connection, everybody has to suffer by magically moving 10 feet without touching the controller, or being in a fight to have the opponent disappear and reappear behind you. The worst part of crappy connections in Halo 3 is when you go into the standby screen, you bet your ass you're going to be respawned well away from where you were and will die as a result.


On October 16, 2008 at 1:58 PM , casey said...

Meh, everyone is aloud to have their opinion, and this one is yours. I personally like the game a lot but that's my opinion. All in all this was well written, and funny. For that, I enjoyed it. But you cant blame bungie for angry offspring, cheaters, and lag, for sadly all that crap is everywhere.

On October 16, 2008 at 3:53 PM , Anonymous said...

Funny thing is you are complaining about something you find in every online game. The annoying ones. But it always seems to be just the 12 year old's its never the grown ass men that are more immature than half the 12 year old's I have ever played with in any game. I have been called a jew (I'm not even Jewish) for saying things on games...get over it. You are letting people you don't even know in real life get to you...thats how you know when someone is obsessed with video games.Bring up something worth arguing about instead of the community because in every community people think they are tough because the person they are talking to isn't in their face.

On the topic of Fanboys guess what.... EVERY game has its fanboys. You bring up arguments that can be compared with any other game. Every one thinks their favorite game is better than any other game I'm not a fanboy either I'm just tired of people complaining about the same shit over and over again especially on the same game. You don't have to play if you don't like it...

Connections....hahaha that's a funny one. LAG get to know it. Welcome to the internets as long as there are crappy internet services there will always be lag. And of course you are going to see lag in Halo....its one of the most played games on xbox live with the one of the biggest populations. COD lags like crap also...

On October 16, 2008 at 3:54 PM , Anonymous said...

youre right on every front dude

Halo 3 was a big let down.

the only halo should have been what it was PRE MS buyout

On October 16, 2008 at 3:57 PM , Patrick said...

im not a fanboy of halo but i do play non stop online. that is untill the codwow beta hit my email. but too shed some light on why people continue to play with out any reward except ranking up is......are you ready for this....bcause its a GAME and games are meant to be fun....people these days play mmorpg's like its there life...they are better at WOW than they are at life...and that my friends is sad....people play halo cuz its fun....i enjoy killing people over and over and getting triple kills and exterminations and perfections and sniper sprees. like the previous person said that was your opinion i understand where your coming from...but for some people they just like to get stoned sit back and frag some spartans....

On October 16, 2008 at 3:59 PM , Jimmy the Greek said...

well put patrick.

On October 16, 2008 at 4:27 PM , Anonymous said...


You said it my man

On October 16, 2008 at 5:11 PM , Internalerror said...

What I still can't fathom out is why I spent 2 minutes of my life reading this crap. I mean, sure, everyone is aloud to have their opinions on anything but please for everyones sake KEEP IT TO YOURSELF! It annoys me when people like yourself come on here and use a topic like this to expell their dull puns and crap jokes. The funny thing is there are people out there that would rally behind you like its some sort of cause. Of course these games have flaws, name me a game that doesn't? But most of it is down to a matter of opinion when it comes to entertainment. Everyone read the reviews, played the game and in some cases still play it, the last thing we need is you giving us a post mortem.

One last question.
How the hell do you end up getting this rubbish on N4G?
I mean really?
Go do something constructive like dissconnect from the net.

On October 16, 2008 at 5:33 PM , Jimmy the Greek said...

well you spent 2 minutes of your time reading it and so did a lot of other people. maybe, im going out on a limb here, other people share my opinion. :0

i know people are entitled to their opinions but please dont keep yours to yourself, let it out. then shove it up your ass.

On October 16, 2008 at 9:18 PM , Anonymous said...

dude u are hilarious with the horse crap and penguin comparisons very original thanks man really good laugh- halo 3 was a big letdown

On November 5, 2008 at 3:55 AM , satanyoka said...

Hey dude watchout, the fanboys are here. Cant take the critisicm, boo hoo.