What I Hate About the Xbox

Filed under: , , by: Jimmy the Greek

If I learned anything from last week's post it's this: make fun of Nintendo and suddenly all the retards poor out of the woodwork. They begin to think they can hide their shortcomings by trying to denigrate my ignorant hate speak with reasoning that only perpetuates what I hate about them to begin with. Let's see if I can insight the same amount of ire from the Xbox mongoloids.

Smug, "colorful" gaming community. Put in any game that has online multi-player. Now put on your headset and prepare to be offended. After playing 10 minutes I begin to question what little faith I have left in humanity. Apparently there are no more intelligent insults other than racial slurs, questioning somebody's sexuality, and mom jokes. Don't get me wrong, I like a good insult, the kind that makes my ancestors turn over in their graves, but why is it that when I win or am beaten the number 1 rebuttal is insulting my African heritage? I think gay jokes are funny, because when you imply somebody's a catamite it makes them all homophobic. You need to get colorful with it though, just like the homo rainbow, and not just resort to calling somebody a fag. In different cultures being called a cigarette doesn't make sense. Besides, doesn't tea bagging somebody after you kill them make you equally as queer?

Gold and silver subscriptions. You have to have a gold subscription to play games online. For the most part that's fine with me, it assures quality of service and keeps the serfs from dirtying my online experience. What pisses me off is paying for a service that bombards me with advertisements that don't even attempt to target my tastes. I've had an Xbox for a long time and I would think by the utter lack of game saves/plays, it should know I don't give a flying fuck about the release of Madden or NCAA Football, let alone any of the other "street" or professional/college titles. Japanese RPGs can stay in Japan, but I still get to see ads for all of them. Either make me pay for an ad free service or face fuck my eye sockets with advertisements in exchange for "free" online gaming.

Last seen in my living room
Gremlins. I've had 2 Xboxs and I'm on my fourth Xbox 360. It seems Microsoft decides when I'm gaming in excess. I start enjoying a game, playing it for hours on end for several days in a row and the son of a bitch decides to brick. A month later I have my console back but I can't quite recall what I was doing when it decided to break. On top of that, my content suddenly doesn't work because I happen to be offline because my piece of shit Linksys router gets yippy like a Jack Russell Terrior. I don't get my Xbox wet and I certainly don't feed it after midnight, why the hell won't it work consistently?

Downloadable content. Games now cost $60 for regular titles and $70 if it's a special edition. The price isn't a problem. What I take issue with is most are partial games. You buy a game once and the only content you should be charged for is something that significantly extends game play. Why the hell does it cost $5 to put an extra building on the game map, add a new character, or obtain a handful of samey maps that can't be used in ranked matches?

What the hell is the deal with themes and gamer pictures? Are they supposed to be bragging rights that you have a credit card and spent a dollar, or a way to make an unchangeable dashboard seemingly personal? So you bought the Halo picture pack and theme, congratulations, your Xbox dashboard still looks like millions of others and you paid money to change the colors, you are officially an asshole.

Broken DRM and the online store. This is an argument that has been done to death and I, being no stranger to necrophilia, am pulling its pants down once more. I actually like the downloading TV shows and renting movies. If the content is actually good I like being able to dust off an old game. The serious flaw with videos is I have to be online to watch them, and they are forever stuck on the Xbox 360.

When I log on to rent a movie, that's what I'm going to do, watch the movie. I'd like to maybe play a game until the movie is downloaded and then log off so I'm not messaged by my friends when I pop up in their lists. I can appear offline, but I sure as shit appear online when I first turn on my system.

Why can't I watch the video I paid for on my computer? Better yet, what if I have a Zune or iPod, why can't I transfer it to them, kind of like iTunes but less restrictive and evil? Oh I remember, the greedy ass faces at the publishing companies are trying to punish the pirating minority and decided we all need to suffer. I'm a pirate, yarrrr, and it's only because I have more power over the things I get for free, than those I pay for.

The broken DRM extends the Gremlins plaguing the hardware. Everybody has had an Xbox replaced but the content is tied to the original console and is unusable unless you are online. There is a workaround that allows you to reset the DRM by downloading it to your new console, but I'VE HAD 4 OF THEM and why the hell do I have to do work for something I've already paid for? It only allows 6 items in your download queue and I certainly have more than 6 items to redownload. It's like walking out of a game store and being followed home by a Microsoft employee. In order to play the game I just purchased, the employee has to kick me in the balls before and each time I start my console.

Halo. This ties into the gaming community complaint and has so many problems I'm going to dedicate an entire post to it. On the right is a picture of the Mexican equivalent of Master Chief.

White controller.
Nobody has every accused Microsoft of knowing their target audience. Safe to say gamers aren't always the cleanest lot and we're prone to sit stagnant in front of the television for hours on end. It doesn't matter how many times you clean your hands, though. If you're planning on gaming for more than 10 minutes and you don't keep baby wipes next to your chair to constantly disinfect your controller, it is going to have "build up" in the cracks and around the joysticks and buttons. What the hell is in this build up? God I don't want to know and I want to see it even less. At least with the old black controllers I could gross myself out on the occasions I decided to clean them and not every other time I play.

The solution is always the same, more money. Spend more money and get a black console, or the black controller, or some space age finger crap repellent. Spend more money and get a controller condom that limits the build up to the places it's exposed to your hands. Shit, I'm currently under the impression if you rub money on herpes it'll be cured. The more money you use the sooner it's gone.
Under closer inspection
We find what happened to the Noid


On September 28, 2008 at 5:12 PM , Anonymous said...

Another interesting post. Microsoft does have its far share of garbage or crappy ideas.
First off I hate games asking me everytime I play them where I want to save my game saves. I mean come on. Didn't you ask me the last hundred times I played this? The system should know that either I have a hard drive or I'm an idiot and have only a memory card. And speaking of memory cards, what idiot would use one with the option of a hard drive? Are you that poor you couldn't come up with $50 for the premium system. It's not like you can't find 360's at stores. Save your money and buy the hard drive versions you idiots.
Now I'm gonna touch on the hard drive issue. With the latest update coming this fall and the option to have the game install parts on the hdd to run quicker and not have your 360 sounding like a 747 taking off in your room. With the main 360 version only having a 20 gig hdd what will I have to do when making room for this new feature? Right now with all my game saves and 1 demo I have exactly 5 gigs worth of space. If I delete my game saves I lose my achievements as well as an option to go back and play at a later date. Right now I can buy a 500 gig hdd online for a little over $150. Microsoft's upgradeable hdd costs that much and has like 80 gigs worth of space. That's quite a bit but nowhere near 500 gigs. At least Sony allows you to upgrade to a larger hdd without buying one that is surrounded in a special case. RETARDED!
My next target is online gaming. Since I have to drop $60 a year to play online there needs to be some serious upgrades to the current system. The ability to give bad feedback should include a comment section not just a couple of generic options to chose. And how serious is MS about these blatant cheaters/homophobes? Also the ability to not play with someone you opted to avoid then you happen to play them 10 minutes later is broken.
Having 100 friend list is also dated. I mean come on. I'm always having to remove people just to make room for people that I've just met. Is it that hard to write some code and have some server space?
I'm a fan of pretty much most trashtalking online but when you come across pre-teens as well as some ignorant adults spewing racial garbage just because you pwned their asses comes back to my point of feedback that allows other users to read what other players have said and have the ability to avoid these assbags.
DLC is another option I'd like to teabag to death. It's a bitchslap to the face of the MS's fanbase and gamers when we're forced to buy crappy add-ons to games that should've been added before it shipped. It doesn't help when gamers are constantly buying this shit. I'm guilty myself of this nonsense. Why the hell would I buy a picture pack then not even use it? MS needs to show users what their buying into when they purchase themes and pictures and not just a brief outline of what they are. And paying 150 to 180 points for this shit is way too high. Drop it down to 50 to 80 points and they'd sell more of this unnecessary hdd filling shit.
I'm all for map packs as long as they come out 3 months after the game ships and not a few weeks later. Bungie sells their map packs for a few months then offers them for free after making a certain profit I'm sure. That should definitely be something that MS does. After 6 months to a year old themes and picture packs should be free to download or greatly discounted. Infinity Ward releases a map pack with 2 of the shittiest maps I've ever played and have yet to release any new map pack which basically means these maps were mostly done but left out to line their pockets a few months later. Had they released more maps I'd definitely be still playing that game but I'm so sick of creek and some others that I'm about to trade the game in.
This one gripe will be real quick. The face plates were a great idea and would've sparked the mod community but MS never put much effort into pushing the idea and sold the rights too Mad Catz and they've put out some of the gheyest faceplates I've ever seen. Who would drop $20 for a wood looking faceplate? I own 3 faceplates myself and would've bought more but the devs never put much thought into them. Faceplates could have been pre-order boosters. I still think that MS or Mad Catz should put out blank plates for a few dollars and allow the mod community to paint and design them. Sell a pack of 5 for $20 would be a great start.
My last comment is going to be the dashboard section. I'm all for new ideas and with the money I drop every year as well as the 5 million users I think MS could come up with a better dashboard. I know it takes time and development and that's all good but I don't want to see adds for games I'll never play. Searching through the dashboard is pretty painless and a one armed turd sandwich could make their way around it. I do hate when going into my user icon I have to wait while it loads all my pics. There should be an option to delete certain gamer pics. Over half of the pics I have are ugly and a waste of precious hdd space. You should be able to upload gamer pics via the xbox website. If you have a picture on your pc hdd and upload it to the site their and the next time you turn on your pc it's their as your pic. I'm sure their would be a lot of dick,asshole and nutbag pics but that's what the report user section is for. I have a friend that's been forced to change his nick like 10 times this year alone so it's not like they don't monitor what goes on. MS talked so much about the creativity that you could do when the 360 was being launched and how many times have you bought something that a user made or upload a picture you created? Exactly my point.
The new dashboard update will be my last point. I like the new look as well as the ability to have a avatar. I'm so sick of the lame gamer pic and coming across people that have the same pic as me. This avatar option would allow more customization that will hopefully allow less chances of coming across someone that looks just like yours. But the downfall this the avatars will be that now MS and devs are going to go DLC crazy. There's going to be clothing options out the ass as well as being overly priced. I'm sure pants,shirts and shoes are gonna cost 100 points a pop. And you what the ball kicker is going to be? The fact that gamers are gonna gobble the shit up like a porno actor.
With all this said I'm not a basher of MS. I own a 360,PS3 and unfortunately a Wii as well. I think console makers need to stay more in touch with their fanbase and not just bring in some random douchebags of the streets of Seattle and ask them what they think they could change and what they like. There are plenty of 360 users that would sell their souls to have the chance to beta test aspects of the dashboard. I would do it for free.
I hope that Sony's the next one in line. I definitely have a lot to say about that systems dashboard,online gaming and store set-up. Well at least it's free and you can chat and message unlike the Adult predator fearing Wii.