What I Hate About Nintendo

Filed under: , , by: Jimmy the Greek

Too kid friendly. First off, you can take the Resident Evil and Manhunt franchises and shove them up your ass. Their problems are a completely different can of worms.

There are a handful of good M rated games on Nintendo systems, emphasis necessary, but that doesn't mean they appeal to mature audiences. Look at their best selling and top rated games. They're mostly first party, rated E, sequels, and some are better on other consoles. I've owned most Nintendo consoles with the exception of the SNES, DS, Virtual Boy(shudders), and GB Advance.


The only one I feel guilty about is the SNES. Then I remember when Mortal Kombat hit consoles, Nintendo barred them from having blood or even a blood code. I'm surprised they didn't require Kano to thrust flowers in everybody's chest instead of tear their hearts out, wait he just punched them in the chest. Rare tried to abolish this kid friendly persona with Conker's Bad Fur Day and Perfect Dark but Nintendo sold them to Microsoft, presumably out of spite.

Too casual. One of their bestsellers is the dog simulator Nintendogs. It's almost like having a real puppy but you can kill it with moral ambiguity and it doesn't require real food or you to get off your fat ass to exercise it. Nintendo isn't a stranger to requiring its gamers to exercise. It's not a bad thing getting brittle, fat, and lazy gamers like myself out of our recliners.

What is bad is the utter lack of immersion these games offer. Look at Wii Boxing, it's fun, takes some energy, but loses me when I remember I don't have fists floating a foot away from my body like Rayman. Their best games might be fun but take no real skill to play and win... I'm pointing at you Mario Kart with the fucking blue shell and lightening pieces of shit.

Not alcohol friendly. A lot of my complaints revolve around the Wii, but it is their current generation console and it's so easy to make fun of. The controllers come with straps and for good reason. I've seen and heard the horror of sweaty palms rocketing wiimotes at televisions. Now imagine forgetting to not only put the strap on, but also tighten it after you've had a few shots of whiskey. Now further imagine how much more whiskey you'll need when you pry a broken wiimote out of an even more broken television and how the friend responsible isn't a friend anymore... I rest my case.

Franchisicide. No matter whether it's a handheld or a console, you better believe there will be at least one rendition of their flagship franchises. There will always be a Legend of Zelda: [Insert Subtitle Here], Metroid, and Super Mario Whatever. That's the case with most manufacturers. Microsoft has Master Chief and Sony has... let's just say Solid Snake and wash our hands of it. The difference between them is at least when Sony and Microsoft reinvent the wheel they do it with slight progression and say "we've got a mighty fine wheel here, yet again." Nintendo on the other hand just gives you the same wheel but claims that it can now roll forwards and backwards.

Mario. What a sell out. He has soccer, baseball, tennis, golf, fighting, and kart racing games as well as platformers in 2 and 3D and a fistful of others that I don't care about. No doubt he is the face of Nintendo. I'm Greek so naturally I have a general distrust of Italians. What I'd really like to see is the real Mario. A plumber with a chest full of hair seeping out his unbuttoned shirt collar, gold chains, a drinking problem, and an undeserved feeling of accomplishment every time he beats the princess for not making his cake properly. Now that's a game I'd play.

Fanboys. My name is Jimmy and I'm a recovering Nintendo fanboy. Altogether, "Hi Jimmy!" It's been one console generation since I tried to defend Nintendo for no good reason and... it gets easier to not do it all the time with all the puke faces out there willing to do it for me.

It seems whenever Nintendo releases a first party title there are slews of people willing to purchase and defend it with reckless abandon. Never mind it treks the same ground as every other game they have or that it lacks substance and the semblance of an original story. I hate fanboys!

Lack of real technology. A touch screen is hardly new technology, neither is a motion sensitive controller. Though it is innovative, it certainly isn't new. I don't like Sony, but at least they put a Bluray drive in their console and let's face it, the PSP should be the leading handheld if not for all the children and Japanese girls. Microsoft doesn't have anything as technologically advanced as Sony but Live is the benchmark that all online games must adhere to, including the snobbish better-than-you-console-playing-peasants PC games.

No widespread online support. Mentioning Live reminds me that there are some online Nintendo games, but there isn't a friends list nor any widespread support. Nor are there millions of players waiting to go into a game. They certainly don't have any extra content to milk more money out of my pocket, but I can point at Rock Band and say that's a game that deserves downloadable content.

Downloadable content was initially and is increasingly a rip off, also another can of worms, but it lets players have a reason to play old games again. I would be all over new courses for Mario Kart. This is an area that Nintendo has dropped the ball and is alienating players and developers.

Re-releasing the same console but in new colors. Is it just me or would everybody prefer to purchase their console of choice once? That's not a cheap shot at the 360 with its 30% failure rate. That's a shot at Nintendo for beginning the retroactive rape of loyal customers. If a manufacturer is going to offer their console in a variety of colors, they have to release all the colors when the console hits stores. I don't want to look at the hand goop in the creases of my white DS or controller and wish I had only waited a year so I could get one that doesn't reveal my lack of personal hygene.

28 comments:

On September 4, 2008 at 2:00 PM , ares7 said...

Jimmy the Greek, you're a blommin' idiot. You say you hate fanboys and LOL you're the biggest one of all. Anyone who says he actually "hates" one of the big three is almost ALWAYS a fanboy on the other end somewhere. I have all three systems and I don't "hate" any of them. Gosh, son, how much time do you have on your hands to actually "hate" Nintendo? You "hate" Mario, huh? Well, may be he "hates" you too, lol. Your article is certainly a reason for him to. Any you mentioned you're out of shape. Well, I'm in great shape AND I play games so perhaps you should balance your time better. Just think, instead of "hating" Nintendo you could do some push-ups! What a damn thought!

 
On September 4, 2008 at 2:20 PM , Jimmy the Greek said...

See "Fanboys" as described above. I hate Microsoft, Sony, and Nintendo equally. Nintendo was just the target this week.

Thanks for the scathing quote laden comment. Feel free to comment on any of my other posts. That is if you have time between the sodomy and flexing your fingers in quotation marks.

 
On September 4, 2008 at 3:31 PM , R Wilson said...

It truly is a shame that people have to endure such hatred as this nonsense you spewed - from racism against the Italian community, ignorance about the gaming industry, to insulting posters.

Lets break down your post -
first your kid friendly and casual post can be summed together. You can discard whatever M rated titles you like, but then go ahead and take an equal amount of M rated titles from the other consoles and see what you're left with. That'd be a mess of miscellaneous 3rd party flops. MS and Sony require M rated games as their flagship titles, Nintendo just has them to offer something to that type of gamer, but doesn't rely on them.

Your alcohol post just shows how young you are, that you can't keep up with the big boys, nuff said.

Franchiside? Cute. Applies to all consoles as you mentioned, but Nintendo does more than just enhances the graphics. The HD consoles just give you the same crap but shiny, great for the ADD kid, but for the true gamer, needs something more. Nintendo does more to bring new elements into their franchises than any other dev out there. To deny this is to paint yourself with the fanboy brush.

So, technology wise, what makes the PSP so much more technologically advanced than the DS, besides having a better gpu? Touch screen for a gaming system is a much bigger tech than graphics upgrades. If you cannot admit that, then I am amazed you figured out the internet, because you would be a technological idiot.

Clearly your last rant, about re-releasing the consoles in different colors, shows how uninformed on the industry you are. Sony has been doing this with the PS2, the PSP and the PS3. Seems that you're stabbing yourself with your own blade here.

This is an order of cease and desist by a member within the game development industry. Your uneducated rants should stay inside your head and not pollute the fine internet space of dismemberment porn and virus-infested Bit Torrents.

 
On September 4, 2008 at 3:45 PM , Jimmy the Greek said...

it is ignorant hate speak, thank you for noticing. the last line was so funny im choosing not to make fun of you at all. feel free to trash any of my other posts.

 
On September 4, 2008 at 3:58 PM , PENGUINKK said...

Your post is full of bias, idiocy, and some flat-out contradictory statements. Everything you said can easily be dismissed by simple logic and facts, and I'm not going to waste any time doing so. The only somewhat valid point is about NWC. Everything else is ridiculous, ridiculous bias.

 
On September 4, 2008 at 4:00 PM , RWilson said...

you're quite welcome. =P Your blogs do make for some fine toilet paper - I even heard that Charmin is starting to break out in a sweat now. ;)

 
On September 4, 2008 at 4:06 PM , Jimmy the Greek said...

biased? certainly. idiocy? lunacy more likely. i fail to see any contradictory statements, well from me that is. you must be on the upper level of the lower income bracket and cant afford to buy more than one console.

mmm, charmin makes some damn fine pooper paper. i should stop writing.

 
On September 4, 2008 at 4:26 PM , Anonymous said...

If you hate Nintendo... then get a 360 or a PS3. SIMPLE. I hate Raisin Bran, but you won't see me writing a blog about it... I just pick a different cereal.

 
On September 4, 2008 at 4:33 PM , Jimmy the Greek said...

youre totally right. i do own a 360 but dont have motivation to get a ps3. i actually like nintendo and most of their first party games, but that doesnt mean i cant find things i dont like about them.

to use your analogy, i love capn crunch but hate the way it carves the shit out of the roof of my mouth.

 
On September 4, 2008 at 4:51 PM , Anonymous said...

You say you LIKE Nintendo? Couldn't tell from reading your blog. Mario has the best games... how can you think he's being over used? I'll admit Mario Party needs a good revamp... and Sluggers should've had online mode... but come on! You're being a bit harsh. Mad World and the Conduit are shaping up to be pretty sweet... not bad for 3rd party!

 
On September 4, 2008 at 5:07 PM , Kwame M Joseph said...

hey that was pretty funny...I use to like Nintendo but for pretty much all the reasons you share are on point......

 
On September 4, 2008 at 5:10 PM , Jimmy the Greek said...

its really a semantic thing. this article is what i hate about nintendo, not why i hate them.

mario games are typically the best they have to offer and never fail the last zelda game on each system will push the boundaries of the hardware. i consider ocarina of time one of the best titles ever made but mario is overused. conduit will be good, ive got to give you credit there.

 
On September 4, 2008 at 5:16 PM , Jimmy the Greek said...

thanks kwame. i tried to raise serious points with comical reasoning. i dont hate nintendo, i just feel they havent matured with me over the 20 years ive been a customer.

 
On September 4, 2008 at 5:18 PM , Anonymous said...

Gotta love Super Mario RPG on Virtual Console though right?

 
On September 4, 2008 at 5:24 PM , Anonymous said...

You say you've matured, but Nintendo didn't mature with you... Well, all the complaints you have about Nintendo have been addressed by the other 2 companies. Nintendo DARES to be different and it's paying off big time. There are still TONS of kids out there, more than ever, and they need games too!

 
On September 4, 2008 at 5:26 PM , Wolfkin said...

I've seen the videos of people throwing Wii-motes. Everyone one of them is an idiot. If you can't hold on to a remote control you shouldn't be standing in the first place. The only game I can even think of that might require such vigorous swinging is WiiSports which personally I find boring after 10 minute anyway.

Clearly you're exactly the type of rabid fanboy you profess to hate and as such engaging in an online war won't yield anything useful, but the one argument you made that has no basis in a real complaint is the "Lack of new technology" (that and 'colors' but let's keep our focus)

First there's no technology in the PSP that makes it better than the DS. UMDs may be new technology (not really) but they're trash. Quite frankly the minidisc was a better format. I loved the minidisc but I knew that was going to fail from the start. Live is awesome. Friend codes suck. Noone denies this, but Blu-Ray? I speak for myself when I say I don't get it. CDs were already prevalent when the PS was released. DVDs were a HUGE benefit over VHS (physical space) but Blu-Ray over DVD? Yeah it's good to have a huge disc (capacity) but Blu-Ray didn't win over HD-DVD because it was better or preferred. Blu-Ray won because people were forced to buy one with the PS3. If Sony offered a PS3 w/o it the 'format war' would still be going for at least another year. Most gamers don't care that much about i.

 
On September 4, 2008 at 5:55 PM , Jimmy the Greek said...

im not entirely sure how not being a fan of anything makes me a fanboy? i guess you could call me a big fan of jimmy, or an agnostic fanboy.

havent played the mario rpgs and since nintendo is the only company with so much experience i guess i expected more from them

 
On September 4, 2008 at 6:33 PM , SchulzA said...

I hate that Nintendo abandon the hardcore gamers to make tons of money on casual gaming

I hate Sony for making me suffer for almost 2 year before seen some light at the end of the tunnel (good games and good online platform)

I hate Microsoft for buying all exclusivities and stuff, games should be equal for all.

AND I HATE YOU ALL, ITS MY OPINION, BUT BECAUSE YOU THINK DIFENTLY IM WRONG, GO F&%$ YOUR SELF (I don’t hate you all but I’m just generalizing as many idiots do on posts). Jimmy you are entitle to have an opinion, and its not wrong because its your opinion, you can hate what ever you feal like.

If you people want to say something (ares7) don’t star whit “you're a bloming' idiot” you are only making and ass of yourself and loosing credibility

 
On September 5, 2008 at 1:28 AM , Brendo said...

you all suck this is funny as! get of your arse and get a sense of humour

 
On September 5, 2008 at 8:13 AM , Jax said...

you know what, i totally agree with you
and i'm actually surprised that someone out on the net wasn't afraid to post something like this.
so, great job!

 
On September 5, 2008 at 9:06 AM , Jimmy the Greek said...

thanks for the support guys. i mustve done something right to piss so many people off.

 
On September 5, 2008 at 9:58 AM , Toneman said...

A lot of people say Nintendo forgot about the hardcore gamer. Although I agree to some extent, you have to realize that back in the NES/SNES days Nintendo didn't have much competition except maybe Sega. Nintendo learned something in the last gen (Gamecube -vs- PS2). The competiton for mature gamers is stiffer than ever... so instead of having 3 companies fighting for hardcore gamers, Nintendo decided to try something different instead of trying to compete with 360 and PS3 powerhouse machines. Now you see Sony and MS trying to appeal to a broader audience. Can't blame Nintendo for doing what they did... Wii outsold the Gamecube in less than a year. The market for casual games is WAY bigger than hardcore, so now you've got Sony and MS trying to get a piece of the casual pie.

 
On September 5, 2008 at 10:04 AM , Jimmy the Greek said...

thats a very valid point and made the most sense out of all the critques ive received for this post.

thank you for the intelligent argument.

 
On September 5, 2008 at 10:58 AM , Toneman said...

Thanks Jimmy... and I do agree with most of what you said in you blog... but again... can't really blame Nintendo for doing what they did. They have so many good franchises that would be perfect for the Wii... Hope they will redeem themselves with the next Zelda, or maybe a new Donkey Kong Country, Starfox or that Kid Icarus game I keep hearing about. Until then, we'll just have to wait patiently while playing 360 or PS3.

 
On September 5, 2008 at 12:43 PM , Anonymous said...

Jimmy you are a stupid fucking nigger lover. What a piece of shit you are. Take your 360 and shove it right up your fat greasy ass, you small dicked, gay, sperm drinking, bald headed, gap toothed, pants shitting, overweight, virgin, cock sucking, hairy chested motherfucker!

 
On September 5, 2008 at 12:46 PM , Anonymous said...

I thought it was funny article.
I have owned most nintendo systems, however after the n64 and the bond days, I grew tired of all the kiddy BS they spew out.
bought a PS2 and never looked back. Purely my own opinion BTW

 
On September 5, 2008 at 4:58 PM , Jimmy the Greek said...

howd he know i shit my pants and have a hairy chest? thats creepy

 
On September 14, 2010 at 10:46 AM , Anonymous said...

Nintendo is a Stepford company. Fuck conservative ideas, fuck Miyamoto and his happy bouncing cute critters.