What I Hate About Anime

Filed under: , by: Jimmy the Greek

I'm an ill tempered cynical little man. It's either a gift or a curse to find so many shortcomings with various media. On my list this week is anime. I'm mystified by the Japanese. The smaller faster take on technology is phenomenal but then they pump out shit like anime.

9. Seizures. If you have to display a warning before a television program because it may or may not pass the Harding Test and cause you to bite off your tongue while fitting on the floor, there's a serious problem.

8. Big eyes little mouths. The animation doesn't have to be Disney golden era material, look at "South Park." The only time I've seen a living person that remotely resembles any character in anime is a junky with half dollar sized eyes looking for their next fix. On the same topic, how is that junky supposed to suck dick for their next fix with such a tiny mouth. I figure they're more likely to get shived in the face than get a hit.

7. Big mouths little eyes. You might be wondering, "how can you say they have big eyes and little mouths and turn around and say they have big mouths and little eyes?" First off, shove it up your ass, this is my article.

Secondly, have you ever noticed that during the terrible joke at the end of Pokemon how everybody laughs at its stupidity? I'm assuming it's the same forced uncomfortable laugh when a hot chick at a party tells an awkward joke and you don't want her to feel dumber than she really is. Now notice how the character's eyes seem to disappear and you're attacked by their teeth? Teeth so large they couldn't logically fit them in the tiny maw they had a second earlier. When they're angry their eyes stay big and their mouths get huge but that goes without saying.

6. Comedy that's not funny. This is tied to number 9. I can give them some credit for the shitty joke at the end. I watched "Duck Tales" and "Darkwing Duck" growing up and I loved it. They had end jokes that made even my 7 year old self scratch his forehead in bewilderment as to what was supposed to be funny. The difference is their duck bills didn't drastically change shape implying a serious and instantaneous jaw injury and ocular cave in. End joke aside, when the characters laugh and you figure you're supposed to laugh with them, I instead picture someone putting on a straight face, shaking their head no, and then scribbling in a legal pad. Now that makes me laugh.

5. Anime culture. This is not Japanese culture but anime culture. I'm a nerd and I have some questionable unhealthy obsessions. I'm capable of seeing the problems with intelligently debating who the most powerful, not best mind you, super hero is. It's Superman by the way, but I dare you to tell an anime nerd that anime is in fact, shit. You'd be lucky to get out of there without a wound inflicted by the replica sword sitting on the mantle. They just don't see any faults with their obsessions and will proudly wear a "Dragonball Z" t-shirt and strut around like they're the Fonz.

4. Hentai porn. I don't know where to begin with this. Porn is great. Cartoons are great. Porn in cartoons is disturbing. This is not peanut butter and chocolate, a situation where two individually fantastic entities come together to make something even better. If you actually whack off to anime porn, do the world a favor and get sectioned. Also, don't be surprised when you start molesting children or feel a strange impulse to sniff a 6 year old's bicycle seat.

3. Stupid samey convoluted stories. So a person with huge spiky orange hair is a master of an ancient martial art and has to get a diamond to a mountain in a land far far away by walking and shooting fire out of their wrists. Along the way they encounter some sort demon that wants to bring about the end of the world by stealing the diamond so they can place it on their mountain which is not so far away. You find out the spiky haired fop had some parent issues and has friends with similar abilities but the demon, through reincarnation, is actually the main character's father but blah blah blah. I just made all of that up but does it sound familiar?

2. Cheap animation. The character jumps in the air and delivers a kick or fireball or something stupid but all you get to see is the character grunting with an I'm-taking-a-shit look on their face, flashing lights, and lines moving behind them. A final light flash states the attack worked. The enemy is now horizontal with their huge mouth open and tiny eyes closed, things are clearly moving in slow motion because the lights and lines are slower. After 10 shit sniffing seconds of the characters standing still in various positions in front of an abstract flashing background, one attack has been delivered and the fight will go on for another 5 minutes.

1. Dubbing. I hate watching dubbed movies. I can read subtitles all day but I don't like watching the character's mouth move when there isn't dialog. It seems more like a ventriloquist act than action. They could say anything and fit it into the animation in one way or another. What is entertaining is muting the anime and then playing music or audio from another television show. Try watching "Dragonball Z" while listening to "The Golden Girls" and you'll get to watch Blanche beat the stupid out of Sophia.


On August 20, 2008 at 4:33 PM , Greedy Raven said...

You forgot the fact that as soon as a character is established, they die. Oh, and tentacle rape... that may count under the porn header, but it's so awful that it needs its own number. And what about the odd colored hair/skin? And the horrible sound effects? And the fact that you have to be completely stoned to understand anything? Or the fact that...